Oh no it's the cops!

“Oh no it’s the cops”

There was something there that shouldn’t have been. Through the bordering-on-ridiculously loud chords and notes ripped apart by distortion, the clash of wood on thin metal cymbals and various other too-loud sounds produced by the drum set, and the gentle “puuvvhhfff” of the base something was cutting through that didn’t fit. It was a chore getting the band to quit playing, complete silence was avoided as much as possible for some inexplicable reason, but once the “music” stopped the oddity rang loud and clear.
It sounded a lot like an angry goose. “What is that?” I asked as I walked towards the window. Before I could finagle myself to the window between the amplifiers, cords, and cases to look outside and find the answer to my question, the cyclical flash of blue and red filled the curtains. “Guys it’s the freaking police.” I said disappointedly as my heart began to race. To understand my reaction, you must understand that I was probably the most timid kid that ever lived. I avoided trouble as much as possible by being as good and well mannered as I could. This has gotten better through out the years but I still hadn’t had an encounter like this with the strong arm of the law before.
Of course I was elected to go outside…I mean why wouldn’t I be elected, I was the only one not holding anything so it’s perfectly natural that I charge bravely into the unknown? As my heart tried unsuccessfully to leap out of my chest, I slowly opened the door and fearlessly, and by fearlessly I mean not fearlessly at all , stepped into the cool night air. I was immediately blinded by the 10 billion watt power of a Q-beam, and was forced to shield my eyes before they melted. As I tried to avoid the gigantic glowing green monster consuming my vision I desperately followed the voice of the officer and stumbled over to the car. You’re probably wondering why he was still shining his freaking light in my eyes, I was wondering the same thing?
“Come here boy.” He said, country just dripping off his tongue. “Yes sir.” I said politely, my strategy was this…be polite and he’ll go away with out shooting me. “I’ve been out here for 20 minutes honking my horn waiting for y’all to come out. I’ve had neighbors calling in for hours complaining about all the racket y’all are making, and if I have to come out here again I’m going to arrest all of y’all and take y’all down to the station. Understand?” First let’s address the problems with his story…
For starters we had just started the song literally a minute before we stopped so there is no way he was there for 20 minutes, second if he was there I think an exposed, angry-goose horn is louder and more annoying than music muted by thick wooden walls of the cabin we practiced in. And third, why didn’t he lug his lumbering mass out of his car and knock on the door? I mean…who just sits outside and honks for 20 minutes straight? Lastly…how was he going to arrest all 6 of us and take us to the station in one car? He’d have to make at least two trips, and like we would really just sit there waiting for him to come back.
During this get-to-know-you-time I’d had with the Officer of the law, two of my brave and courageous band mates, and by brave a courageous I mean not brave and courageous , opened the door timidly and shuffled over to the car. At this point I would love to go on to tell you I lost my temper and told the cop he was full of it if he thought I believed his crap about sitting outside for 20 minutes and to step out of the car and just try to arrest us. But alas I didn’t do that. I also didn’t attack his behemoth form when he lumbered out of the car, disarm him after giving him a nasty rap on the chin, steal his car and get the heck out of dodge. I haven’t been on the run from the law living the mysterious and sexy life of a fugitive for the past 4 years, and I haven’t had to lie, cheat and steal to survive. I didn’t do any of those things for three reasons, which I will promptly list for you…
Reason number 1, He never got out of his car. Since the incident I have convinced myself that he would have if the effort of pulling and forcing his obese form out of the seat would have left him exhausted and therefore utterly defenseless from any attack I might throw his way and he didn’t want to risk it.
Reason number 2, I had not yet seen any of the Prison Break seasons so I didn’t have as good of a grasp on how to survive as a fugitive from the law and break out of jail if the need arose.
Reason number 3, I am terrified of police and getting into trouble and therefore would have been shaking too bad to do anything but comply to his every command had he actually gotten out of the car to arrest us.
So while none of the exciting, movie-like action was happening we listened a little more to him power-tripping on us. Then he drove away and we slunk back to the cabin. “I hate you all.” I said as I grabbed my cell phone and walked back outside to the car while everyone packed up their equipment. The Man had shut us down and you never know…had we gotten a chance to finish practicing that night we might have just written the greatest song of our generation, it’s doubtful but if I utterly fail in life and have no one else to blame but myself I’ll always have that cop for shutting a big jail-cell door on my future. We continued to practice out there and never one got the cops called on us, until the owners decided they didn’t want us using it anymore. So we had to get all our stuff out, clean the place, break one window, fix it and say goodbye to our muse. I can’t blame the pigs for that one, and that’s a whole nother story, but I will say thanks for not arresting me, you never know how that might have gone down.